DISCLAIMER: If you are easily offended, please do not read on. I don’t want to lose you as a blog reader due to some of the content contained below… Just a warning.

Lately I’ve been analyzing the search terms people have been typing into search engines and thus finding my blog among the results. Some of the search terms really crack me up. In the nature of David Letterman’s top ten list, let’s break down the best of the best jacked up internet searches.

(Keep in mind these are all real items typed into a search engine and for some reason my blog pulled up, NO JOKE. How do I know this? From my search engine reporting software.)

“My trainer is an asshole”
“i hate my personal trainer“

I’m pretty sure I’ve never referred to my personal trainer Dean as an asshole or said that I hate him. I’m lucky Dean is such a likable guy and he puts up with my obnoxious ass. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve emailed him and sent him Facebook messages about crap. Did I mention he’s helped author a few blog posts? The guy’s a gem.

But I bet from time to time he thinks, “anonymous fat girl is an asshole” and “i hate anonymous fat girl” when thinking about how he has to train me in a few hours or when he gets that annoying email from me. Oh well. Maybe someday he’ll look forward to training me…

“fatties over 200 pounds”
“images of Morbidly Obese Girls”
“my first fat girl.com”
“pictures of fat girls at the gym”
“candid phat ass gym pics“

I’m assuming that there are guys out there that really like fat girls. I’ve never been into fat guys. I’ve always liked my guys thin and trim. (I know, total hypocrisy but it’s the truth.) I’ve NEVER dated a fat guy. I’ve never liked being fat either, so I guess I don’t understand the fascination. But more power to you, you fat (or phat) ass loving guys.

“fat girl shaving“

What is the fascination here? Why would you want to see a fat girl shaving? Is that hot or something? Dude, get a life.

“does instant arm lift work”

Ummmm… We covered this topic back a few weeks ago. Basically, if you buy this product you will reek of B.O. and you will still have fat underarms. So no, I’d say it probably doesn’t work.

“arm lift and smell“

This one probably goes along with the “does instant arm lift work” search. Yes, you will have a clear plastic tape applied to your arm. And yes, your ass will reek and smell like B.O. and you will still have those bags of shit hanging from your arms.

“I got horrendous arms, what can I do?“

How about steering clear of Instant Arm Lift for one? And how about you get to the gym and work those bags of shit so they go away? Fat Denial Syndrome will not help you here.

“how to lose underarm fat on an gravitron“

I remember what a gravitron is. Actually, the only time I rode on one at the county fair I puked Mountain Dew all over my brother. I guess you could say I was cruisin’ for a bruisin’ after that. Why would someone think you could lose underarm fat on one of those rides? And what are they smoking when they conducted that search?

“want to weigh 600+ lb“

Why on Earth would you want to weigh 600+ lb? Is that a goal for you? Are you trying to find one of those guys that are interested in “fatties over 600 lb”? Dude – whatever.

“i like to work myself into a sweat”
“impress while sweaty“

I like both of these. Maybe it’s because I’m a sweaty girl. Maybe it’s because my husband thinks I’m hot even when I’m covered in sweat. Maybe it’s all of the above. I’m not really sure.

“free girl brreast fat“

First, dude, learn how to spell breast. And second, what the hell would you do with a girl’s breast fat? Who would give that up? Are we talking on the level of a breast fat transplant? It just sounds creepy. I’ve never had a problem with having too much breast fat (I’m a certified member of the itty bitty titty committee). In fact, I’ve often wondered if a doctor has ever transplanted stomach fat to the breast region. Okay, sorry if TMI…

“her first fat girl videos“

Okay, how about the second and third fat girl videos? Are those any better?

“are fat girls strong?“

I don’t know about MOST fat girls, but I’m strong. Just ask my trainer. Shit, I really hope he wasn’t lying to me when he told me that!

“fat bob batwing“

I have no idea what the hell this means.

“fat wife syndrome“

Is there really a syndrome for this condition? Because I always thought my fatness was caused by all of those Little Debbie Cosmic Brownies I used to eat. And the fact that I sat on my fat ass ALL.THE.TIME.

“Fiche de données de sécurité MIROR“

Okay, why don’t you try searching for a French blog – using a French search engine. Because if you no speak Engle, me no understand you. And you come off as a French dip shit.

“Motivation from a fat chick“

My favorite out of all of these. Want some motivation from a fat chick? You are at the right place.

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