The other day I was chatting on Facebook with one of my very good friends from high school days. I shared with her my blog address, and while we were talking about health and weight loss, she brought up that bitch Little Debbie. Little Debbie had been shrinking her husband’s jeans. Apparently her husband had been having an affair with Little Debbie for quite sometime.

I knew who that little bitch was. She hides out at my grocery store on one of the end caps waiting – silently WAITING. Waiting for me to attempt to walk by without looking her way. Daring me to not steal a glance or pick her up.

Her outward appearance is very seductive and enticing,
making it so hard for me to ignore her advances.

My affair with Little Debbie started back during my high school days when my mom’s boyfriend would buy Little Debbie Donut Sticks for his lunches. I remember the first time he urged me to ask her out and I had a taste of Little Debbie. She was so delectable and sweet.

Up until then, I had been a Little Debbie virgin;
but once I had a taste, I was a full on addict.

Throughout the years, Little Debbie has always been there for me – in good times and in bad. That bitch Little Debbie can probably be accountable for at least one half of the size of my stomach fat. I’m not lying, nor am I exaggerating.

I distinctly recall a time when I was pregnant with my oldest son and I was attempting to highlight my very dark hair with tinges of golden rod with one of those do-it-yourself kits from the drug store. I was sitting in front of the t.v. watching a trashy Maury Povich episode with a brand new box of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes by my side. There was rarely a time when she WASN’T by my side.

I got so caught up in the trash on the tube (and the delectable
Zebra Cakes) I completely forgot to rinse out my hair bleach before
I finished off the last Zebra Cake from that bitch Little Debbie’s box.
You can guess how my hair looked – sort of like a ZEBRA.

My favorite Little Debbie was always the Fudge Brownie. I liked it old school until I met Fudge Brownie’s cousin – the Cosmic Brownie. That bitch was sweet. I could eat several in a sitting and then come back for more. Forget dinner! I’d have a few Cosmic Brownies. The funny thing was, there was nothing cosmic about the effects it had on my waistline or on my blood sugar – or the fact that I would be “hungry” in only an hour or so later.

Back in early November of 2009, I ended my affair with Little Debbie. Sure, my children flirt with her from time to time, but for the most part she’s not allowed in my home.

I know I’m healthier for it, but I will never
forget the memories we shared together. :(

Do you have an affair with Little Debbie? Have you thought about ending it yet?

We went to a Super Bowl party at a friend’s house last night. We had some fun and I’m glad we went out. John and I never seem to get any away time – from the kids or from work. And you know that you just have to have some adult time SOMETIMES.

Before we left, my youngest wanted to take a picture with me.
I was just glad I found an older pair of jeans in my closet that I
haven’t worn in a few years – which now fit. I ended up wearing
those instead of the new ones I bought Saturday.

Here I am with John and his buddy in the background.
John has a group of friends he’s known since
boy scout days and they’re always lots of fun.

We actually had fillet mignon for dinner at the party and
lots of other snacks. I won’t tell you the strange brew I was
drinking because I can’t remember what it was called. I just know
it was a mixture of two beers, one 6% something alcohol.
I think it was called “lionelkoogy” or something. I know I
have that totally spelled wrong! LOL

We had a great time and now it’s back to the grind. Exercise today – P90X – and I’ll give you my progress report on that tomorrow. Tomorrow is my birthday – I turn 32 – and I’m taking the day off of work. I figure the clients can wait so I’m not going to stress.

I hope you all have a wonderful week! Do you have any big plans or exercise goals this week?

There are no words to describe my horror in seeing these pictures and editing them. I have NO IDEA how I lived with myself before and I am so anxious to get rid of how I look now that I cannot even tell you. THERE.ARE.NO.WORDS. Nor is there any denial.

It’s amazing what a difference a 25.4 lb loss looks like. I can see the difference. But what I really see is how much I hate my stomach and the rest of my fat!

Holy hell!!!!!

I just wanted to add that I know some of you may have more weight to lose or less weight to lose than I, but aren’t we all our harshest critics? It’s so hard for me to look at these pictures. But now that I’ve owned up to it I know what I have to do to fix it. Thanks for reading.

For the record, the left side is from my start date of 11/8/09
and the right side is from today, 2/7/10. I am not pushing my stomach
out in the before’s nor am I sucking in anything in today’s shots.
I am wearing the same clothes as well… LOL

I’m off now to my Super Bowl party. I’m going to need a few cold ones to wash these images out of my head, so maybe I’ll bask in a little denial tonight. But starting tomorrow I’m kicking the shit out of P90X.

Last night I got the wonderful opportunity to go shopping all by myself – without any kids. It was glorious!!! I hit up the local Sam Goody music store and hit a few clothing stores too. I got a few new outfits, and I’m going to be wearing one tonight to the Super Bowl party I’m attending. While trying on clothes, I have confirmed that I’m losing inches. I’m in between sizes – which kind of sucks in general – but it’s kind of cool because I’m losing inches! :)

I had a hard time finding the right size because mentally I was grabbing
the larger stuff off of the rack and not knowing how small to go.
(I thought this cartoon was funny!)

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On my way back home, I was listening to some of my new tunes and noticed the cd player in my vehicle began stopping and starting. At first I was puzzled on what was going on. Then all of the sudden my ABS break light came on, followed by the battery light then my interior dash went out. I noticed my headlights had dimmed considerably. I drove as far as I could without being a danger to the other drivers and myself, and then pulled over. My alternator must have gave out.

I live in northern Michigan and although it’s not completely desolate, where I broke down there were no street lights and it was pitch black out. All I could faintly see were the Lake Michigan waves crashing in from nearby and the occasional head lights drifting by. John was home with our three children, and since our second car is also broke down (figures, huh?), he didn’t have a way to come and get me. Luckily my mom saved the day and rescued me. It was a freaky 20 minutes hanging out with just me and my BlackBerry, but I made it. And the shopping trip was still totally worth it. :D

———-

I made it to the gym this morning (thanks to Vicki for giving me a ride!) and all went well in my weight training session with Dean. I think the workout today went much better than recent workouts. It certainly helped that there was no one else working out at the gym besides us. I was able to concentrate on what I was doing and and what muscles were being worked. Knowing that I’m only going to be training with Dean on Sundays helped me focus all that much more.

Kind of like those “last chance workouts” that Jillian and Bob
put The Biggest Loser contestants through, you know?

Starting on Monday I will be pulling Tony Horton and P90X out from under my bed and giving it a whirl. I know there will be some pain involved, but I’m really excited about trying it and seeing if I can do it. I know I can.

———-

Tomorrow is officially my three month anniversary, but I decided to post my check in today. Why you may ask? Well I’m going to party like it’s 1999 tonight at our friends’ Super Bowl party. That means I will be in control of my food choices, bring some healthy snacks, but I WILL be drinking. And that’s okay. I deserve to have fun tonight and I am really looking forward to drinking some brew (I love me a fine lager) and just having a fun evening with adults. My history of dieting and alcohol (mixed drinks or beer) during the last three months has shown me that I will gain 3 to 5 lbs no matter what. It will come off, but I’m not going to let that potential gain skew my three month results.

Here are my three month stats in comparison to when I started back in November of 2009.

Starting Weight, 11/8/09: 270
Current Weight, 2/7/10: 244.6

Total Weight Loss: 25.4

13 weeks total, with an average of 1.95 lbs lost per week. Considering I do a lot of weight training, exercising and all of the muscle I’m building, I have probably lost more fat than the stats show.

Inches lost this month: 9.75

Total Inches Lost: 19.25

I still can’t believe it. I’m pretty excited, as month two did not show as much of a loss measurement-wise. If my experience can be an example, the longer you stick with it, the more results you’ll see!

You can see pretty weight graphs, weekly weight loss/gain stats and my measurement details on My Progress page.

Much love to all of my blog readers that leave comments and keep me rolling. I love those of you that are lurking too – and I know there are a lot of you out there according to my blog hit statistics.

It makes me feel so GOOD that people are interested in what I’m experiencing and going through on my journey and that I may be HELPING someone else other than myself. That really keeps me going. I love helping people.

The other day, Terie from Family in Shape left a comment on my blog and it really got the wheels spinning in my head. Here’s a portion of what she said:

“Your mood and self esteem is such an important part of your healthy lifestyle because, as you can see, it will affect what you do, what you eat and just about every aspect of your life.”

This is so true and I’m sure Terie would know because she’s, well, a personal trainer. (Terie – thank you for writing this.) When my mood is jacked up and not ideal, and people fail to meet my expectations, I’m finding my reaction and self esteem are directly related.

It got me thinking about how I USED to handle things versus how I handle things now – things that didn’t go my way. I’ve always handled conflict and criticism one of several ways in my life, and none of them were healthy, and they always affected my mood and self esteem in poor ways.

Here’s a little of my history, and I’m sorry if you think less of me when you read any of this, but it’s the truth, and my blog is MY TRUTH and my outlet – and most importantly MY THERAPY.

1.  When I was a youth I would eat away my feelings and emotions. Suffocate them with food. Self soothing.

2. Into my late teens and early twenties, I smoked cigarettes, pot, tripped on acid, drink myself into a stopper, I would try anything I could get my hands on. Thank God I am not an addict and it was only recreational back then. I rarely drink and no longer smoke and do not do any drugs. But it was what I replaced the food with for a short time. Well hell, the food has ALWAYS been on standby.

3. After high school, I had my fair share of flings and wild nights. I never liked being tied down by any one guy (literally or figuratively) and believe me, I had some fun times. Looking back on it, I’m not proud about it in the least. Although it was another way for me to get out my frustrations with my life and express myself, it was unhealthy, and how I dealt with my inner demons and lack of self esteem. I wasn’t a whore by any means, but I think looking back I was a little too casual in my choices.

4. When I was of drinking age and someone said something derogatory to me or something that I just didn’t like, I would get so mad that I would just want to beat the shit out of them. I cannot tell you how many bar fights I had gotten into because of this. And I’m not bragging about that – actually it’s embarrassing to even be acknowledging it (as was #3 above). I got my fair share of ass whoppings too. I really thought I was some sort of bad ass, but the truth was I was a freaking moron.

5. After I settled down and got married, the wild bear inside me went to sleep. I quit smoking full time and all of the activities that were unhealthy (except one, overeating) and was happy with my current life. I just couldn’t let go of all of the issues I had BEFORE marriage that caused me to overeat in the first place. I’m still a work in progress on that.

I often think of that movie Legends of the Fall with Brad Pitt. You know that part where One Stab says, “It was then that Tristan came into the quiet heart of his life. The bear inside him was sleeping.” My wild days were over with regards to sex, drugs, drinking and all that, but I then took to food once again to suffocate my feelings and old demons.

Hot tamales!!! Brad Pitt’s character, Tristan
Ludlow, from “Legends of the Fall”

6. If someone pissed me off, I would just say fuck it, and walk out or cut them out of my life. FOREVER. I’d be done with that person. The hell with them. I have family members that I haven’t talked to in years because of this (my brother).

My father walked out on me as a child and I do not take kindly anyone walking out on ME (what a double standard, huh?) when I’m talking to them, arguing with them, or well doing anything with them. My husband has found that out the hard way. LOL

I think I’ve come a long way with regards to this one though. The “old” me would have left the gym Wednesday night when things didn’t play out in my favor or at my expectation. I would have never, ever went back AGAIN.

As much as it pained me to do so, I went back the next day and did some cardio. I’m so glad that no one really talked to me. I was a ticking time bomb and still not over what happened the night before. If someone would have said something to me that I didn’t want to hear, I cannot guarantee how I would have reacted.

Maybe all of this is a part of growing up. Maybe it’s about dealing with and exposing my own demons so they can no longer damage me. I don’t know.

I’m finding ways to handle how I deal with situations that are not in my control and deal with them in a good way. Here are a few things that I think are really helping me.

1. Blogging, blogging, blogging. ‘Nuff said.

2. Reading a good novel. When I can’t handle my own drama, why not get caught up in someone else’s – either real or imagined?

3. Exercising. I’m enjoying the high I get during and after. It’s keeping me going.

4. Venting to my husband. He’s my best friend and such a good listener. He knows me better than anyone. I’m a very complicated, difficult and intricate person. He understands that and has NEVER judged me. He is so good at looking at both sides of a situation and doesn’t always take my side. I love him for that among other things. He puts things in perspective in ways I often cannot.

Thank you for reading this. I feel like I just took off 50 lbs of weight by writing this out.

I’d like to know how you deal with situations that are less than ideal, your mood, self esteem issues and when things don’t go your way. Healthy suggestions are encouraged. If you need to let out some demons too, by all means do so.